Girlhood and Purity Culture

Thank you to everyone who gave me feedback or had a conversation about these topics with me. I’m grateful for the perspectives and experiences that have been shared with me that have helped shape this writing. I don’t know how many posts I’m going to make about this, but will absolutely be referencing this topic often. It’s part of my story that I’m actually least excited to share, which is why it feels like an appropriate starting point. While I would love to dive right into the queer joy I have come to experience through my sobriety, I have to simultaneously deconstruct years of internalized shame, homophobia, and religious trauma. I feel like there’s so much to say on these topics and I’m grateful to use a platform that enables me to have conversations with people that continuously expand my perspective. 

So, let’s start with purity culture. 

Our society is fueled by the insecurities of women. For as long as I can remember, I was inundated with unrealistic beauty and body standards. Diet culture had our moms hooked, fracturing any chance we had at a healthy relationship with our own body. How can we learn to love our bodies when our mothers are working so tirelessly to change theirs? They can’t give us what they don’t have. This includes self acceptance and body positivity. 

The media we consume isn’t any better for our developing psyche. We are constantly depicted as objects of male attraction. We are reduced to homemakers or caretakers. Our hobbies tend to be imposed upon us, and for the service of men. We are belittled for liking things that are girly, like makeup or fashion. 

At the same time, we are expected to keep up with fashion in a way that defines our status. We are expected to dress a certain way in order to increase our desirability to men. We have to be modest in public, but appropriately done up for special occasions. Certain styles of clothes are perceived as feminine and young women, especially within the church are expected to adhere to that.

The queer representation we had in the media did more damage than good. Queer people were portrayed heavily through stereotypes and were often the butt of the joke. Lesbian felt like such a dirty word. Don’t get me started on the way Pitch Perfect shaped me.

The sex education we receive is inadequate at best. A woman’s body is oversexualized, in a way that puts men in a position of power. Insecure women who always want to change their bodies will be the perfect submissive wife, and consumer. Capitalism is a system that runs rampant off of putting women down and keeping them quiet. 

We are expected to take responsibility for the actions of men. 

Because boys will be boys. 

And we were asking for it.

Adding religion to the equation is fuel to the fire. We are preached at that our bodies don’t belong to us. Our bodies are valuable and desirable when pure. They are meant for the purpose of childbearing and pleasuring one man. We’re discouraged from feeling empowered in our bodies and all that they are capable of. We’re taught to cover up our bodies because of their ability to cause a man to stumble into sin. Make sure you bring a t-shirt to wear over your swimsuit to church camp! Because somehow, a wet t-shirt contest for little girls is better than teaching young men to be respectful. 

I grew up Presbyterian and while I would like to think of my church and mentors as progressive, I can also recognize some of the harmful rhetoric the church produces. Presbyterians believe strongly in the Bible as the word of God. Growing up with deep knowledge and respect for the Bible, while also reading scripture about the impurity of periods created confusion about even the natural functions of my body. I remember having more conversations about those scriptures in church than receiving proper sex education in appropriate contexts, yet there was still an expectation that these topics were taboo to discuss. As a quick tangent, I don't think it's coincidental that I would also develop an unhealthy relationship with substances when I received messaging my whole life about my worth being tied to abstinence. That's a topic to explore more, later.

Does the Bible even pass the bechdel test?

Scripture teaches us that we are supposed to submit to our husbands. We read countless stories about women whose worth is defined by being chosen by a man. We are expected to stay silent and be obedient wives. We are encouraged to remain pure, that our worth is inherently tied to our virginity. Yet, we still call people virgins as an insult, because culturally, our self worth is defined by whether or not we have sex.

Children would be split up at church camp so we could receive messaging about remaining pure for our future husband, while the boys played basketball. We are inundated with these messages about purity, embedding shame in all aspects of our lives. We’re taught that any sexual urges or desires are shameful and not to be discussed. We are made to be small.

No purple. 

I’ve always been a weird kid and struggled socially. I’m loud and opinionated and unapologetically myself. I experienced a lot of rejection in religious groups (I would go so far to classify them as cults, but that’s a can of worms for another day). These experiences, along with rhetoric about how to be a woman, left me feeling confused and deeply depressed. I tried for years to fit what I believed to be the “good Christian girl” mold, and hated myself when I couldn’t make it work. I am a strong woman who is fiercely independent, in ways that defies cultural and gender norms.

A writer I quite admire, who grew up in a Baptist church, once wrote (on being attracted to strong women from a young age): “I naturally gravitate towards strong confident women, but seeing women so easily fall into a submissive role and be told that was good made me wonder as a kid if it was weird that I liked strong women. Growing up was a lot of realizing that there wasn’t a “right” or “wrong” way for women to be women. ”

Date jesus. 

We are often taught to feel so guilty about sex, even after the fact. When I look back on losing my virginity, I feel incredibly grateful that it was in a safe, accepting, and consensual way. However, I spent many nights crying about that experience because I believed it soiled me and I ruined my life. I felt like it was wrong for not waiting until marriage, and that it would ruin my chances of finding a godly man. 

I remember going to breakfast with someone I perceived to be a godly man. The elation I felt when he prayed over pancakes, and I thought this was everything I ever wanted. He had traveled and done mission work. He was the type of person on a pedestal in Christian communities, much like camp counselors or worship leaders. And he was also the first man to continue kissing me after I pushed him off of me. He was also the first person to demand I touch him “or else.” I hope prison was kind to him. I hope his victims find peace and healing.