Two Steppin Horror Stories

This post can only be accompanied by the soundtrack to Romeo+Juliet, thank you for understanding.

Part of my goals for this new year is moving my body more, but accepting that I can’t keep myself accountable to that alone right now. I need my friends and community to laugh with me and teach me how to move my body. That has looked like saying yes to invites to queer events like roller skating drag rodeo disco or two stepping night. I don’t often insert myself into bar spaces, it’s not something I necessarily need to connect with people, I love a good sober hobby. That said, I don’t mind a night out, getting dolled up in whatever way feels gender affirming that day. I love a good NA beer, and most of my friends are sober or enjoy sober nights out with me. 

I don’t know what it is about being sober that makes you hyper aware of drunk shenanigans. It’s like my new superpower. I always see past versions of myself trying desperately to let loose and have a good time, relying on alcohol to the point of black out messiness. So when I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard a girl asking if she could hang out with us, sitting away from the crowd and overstimulation, immediately my answer was yes. I could tell she was blacked out, and she said she was really drunk, so I was just nice and chatted with her. You never know what people are going through or what they need. I asked what she liked to do and found out she was a drummer and inspired by nirvana, but not in any bands right now or really making music because you know. Yeah, I do know. It’s really hard to be a creative with a substance abuse problem. All the creative energy trapped inside that you feel like you can only tap into once you have enough drinks to feel like you can be yourself, but you’re always chasing that high to the point of overdoing it. I told her I liked paramore and Billy Joel. She told me that was beautiful (lol??). Yeah, girl it’s beautiful to be able to show up and be yourself, and do it all while sober and giggling, with a smile on your face. I told her I was going to get her some water and she got mad and asked if I thought she was drunk. I reminded her she just told me that and we giggled. She obviously tried to make a move, but I brushed it off. My friends invited me dancing some more and checked in on me to make sure I was doing okay. I didn’t tell her I was sober, but I could see in her eyes that I had something she wanted. It's the sober glow.

There’s something so weird that people do when they find out you’re sober. They start telling on themselves, they start telling you about their plans to get sober that they have no intention of following. It’s a line of reasoning that I am all to familiar with, but feels difficult to put into words. While I’m grateful that my sobriety can be a reflection point and many great conversations have come from it, it is also tiring to be used as free, unlicensed substance abuse therapy. It doesn’t happen all the time, I’m not implying that everyone I talk to has a drinking problem. I've had a lot of really thought provoking conversations and made a lot of meaningful connections. I also get a lot of excited sober high fives, while excitedly swapping how my days we have. Those are my favorite moments. 

I’m sure that people feel intimidated, and even judged, when talking to someone who presents so confidently in sobriety. It’s an experience that has taught me how to listen with compassion. Every day I gain more confidence, because I remember the times when I was convinced I wasn’t strong enough. There have been so many moments though where I’m clinging to my sobriety by a thread, doing all of the addict bargaining behavior. Waiting for the clock to hit 2am for the stores to close so I was forced to endure a night sober. No one sees those moments. They get fewer and further between with time. Thank god for that, because there was a drunken time when everyone on my social medias saw all of it. How embarrassing! Countless Snapchat stories of me saying I needed to go sober, wow look good things happen when I’m sober, hey I should have a drink to celebrate and spiraling out. I have peace of mind knowing that phase of life was contained to my early 20s (and lives on the internet forever). 

My early sobriety was a lot of crying and wondering why my friends never invited me to hang out with them at bars. It's weird being in your 20s and sober in a very not sober society. I was trying to fit myself into the spaces and groups that centered around the exact thing that I was fighting to give up. There were many years of my life where chatting with this drunk girl at a bar would have triggered me so much more than it does now. I had to learn how to connect with people and have fun doing sober activities. It's taken years to learn what that means for me, finding things that I enjoy and avenues for connecting with people. Lately, that’s looked like lots of puzzles and talking about Dino bones at the museum. I’m grateful for that passage of time, for growth, for developing habits. I am excited to fill my life with more good habits and feel myself nurturing those seeds now.

I typed this in between yoga with my community and a call with one of my greatest buddies, pondering philosophy and existence. A friendship that developed years ago when he found out I was the sober neighbor, and would share how many days excitedly every time we passed. Someone who became one of the safest places in San Diego for me to just feel all the feels. Someone who feels like home. Happy 420th birthday old man, I love you. This one is dedicated to you big bro. 32 days sober, what are you going to do with this gift? May all your hopes and dreams come true, I’m so proud of you for asking for help. I can't wait for your horror movie.

Just some disjointed rambles for your week from my life and experiences because I love to yap about all things, especially myself (and sobriety).

YOUNG HEARTS

Love you my friends,

Ken and Cerb