Grief Pop

The move was a lot harder than I ever could have anticipated. These last few months have been cruel to me. More on that soon, but it all still feels too heavy and fresh to get into.

My brain still feels so fragmented and scrambled from everything.

I feel like Whiskey is waiting for me back in San Diego.

I want to go back but I'm scared I won't find her.

I would give anything to have my coffee on those steps again with her.

Whiskey was my mindfulness coach, she kept me grounded. I feel her absence greatly.

Having mister booger around really helps.

But sometimes I look at him like… you’re not Whiskey and I hate you for that. 

But he’s Cerby and I love him for that. 

He's SO social.

It's funny because he could not be any more opposite from Whiskey in that way.

I miss my grumpy old lady dog.

Now, I have to be grumpy enough for both of us, and that's hard work!

I cry sometimes, not as much as I probably need to. 

I go down rabbit holes looking at pictures and videos of her. 

She was so much smaller than him and I’m getting used to his size.

I want to remember what it felt like to hold her.

I'm scared to forget every little detail.

I hate it.

And I hate him for it.

I hate him for not being her.

But I love him a lot because she brought me him.

Only because I was Whiskey's mom, could I be such a good mom to Cerby.

And that makes it feel okay.

He's fun to hang out with, but he's a lot.

It's definitely a new challenge for a new chapter in my life.

My heart is heavy but I am grateful that I was able to love her so well.

It's just that she's been around since the dawn of time and she was supposed to outlive us all???

I will hopefully be back soon with more thoughts and tunes, I am fighting to lean into creativity and build a healthy lifestyle here.

So much love,

Ken and Whisk and Cerb