The Rehab Diaries

Day 1

They said they could accommodate vegan meals… not really. All I could eat for breakfast was potatoes so I was super hungry this morning. And even the vegetarian options are questionable because I don’t know what’s cooked in butter. No vegan option at lunch but there was a vegetarian Shepherd’s Pie. Chef is French so I just assume there is butter and dairy in everything. He said he can special order me items, but that makes me feel like a bother. We’ll see about dinner. They gave me killer sleep meds last night and the detox meds have me drowsy. 

There’s a lot of men here and a lot of people coming and going since treatment ends on different days. I keep having to do urine tests and had blood drawn. My roommate moved out because another room opened up so that’s fun. I’m tearing through my blanket and wish I had brought a book to read. Currently crocheting and watching Frenemies.

I’m barely awake at this point. One of the staff rescued a turtle that was in our driveway. I should’ve brought my vibrator. I’m snacking profusely but all the snacks are super sugary. Oh well. There’s not much for me to eat at meals so I guess it’s fine. Dinner was a veggie burger which was good. Same mush used to make the shepherd’s pie though. I realized that I’m gonna have to be more vegetarian than vegan. No matter how many times I correct people, I am still called the vegetarian.

Day 2

I’m so sleepy. I napped all morning. It’s the withdraw meds. More potatoes for breakfast. I think I’m just gonna have to settle for vegetarian because chef is French so butter is in everything. I’ll be okay. For lunch, all I could have was mashed potatoes and green beans and mushrooms. I ate an apple and banana with peanut butter for protein. One of the few people I talk to made a comment that I must’ve been hungry. I have struggled with disordered eating- I don’t like men commenting on my body or how I eat. 

I’ve eaten more meals outside of my room and ventured into the group room to chill for a bit. Haven’t gone to any groups because I feel drowsy and wobbly? I feel like I’m stumbling and will fall over.

I think I’m gonna take my crochet outside on the smoking deck and just chill with whoever comes in and out. It’s good I’m spending time outside of my room, even just a little. There was a girl waiting outside the nurse and I talked to her for a bit. I was like I know you’re not feeling well but let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

She cried and asked me to tell her mom that it’s not her fault that she’s an alcoholic. That broke my heart.

Honestly meds have me groggy so I can’t remember but I talked to my therapist today and she told me I was very self aware and honest and she liked that. She said people usually sit in silence. I could've kept going but we ran out of time. 

Did I mention group therapy isn’t necessary during detox week? I’m sleeping as long as I can. Work vacation woo. I’m drinking two coffees a day because I’m bored and want to drink something.

Day 3

I have to go back to the first pages so I don’t repeat myself. Okay, I’m back. Yesterday and yesterday I’ve been trying to feel normal. (The meds were MESSING with me) I went to the gazebo and crocheted for a little bit. They played kickball yesterday but I wasn’t up for it. Same with bowling last night. Overwhelmed by social interaction but it also fills me up. 

I’ve been trying to feel more like a person. I got dressed today and a lot of time I’ll sit on the patio or hammocks and it’s nice. I want to get in the routine of stretching so I’m doing what I can. New intake tonight so that takes a while. We won’t have phone time. They have puzzle books so they gave me copies of the pages :). They’re playing dominoes because they want the new guy to feel welcome.

Day 4

I might sneak outside during group and lay in the hammock. Just took my 2pm meds and they make me drowsy. 

Every day schedule:

Breakfast/ Phone Privilege: 7-9

Group: 9-12

Lunch/ Phone: 12-1

Group: 1-3

Group: 3-5

Free Night

Occasional 7pm AA meeting

We just played cards and dominoes and I come alive with games like that. I like these people. They’re really kind. Tonight was so good. Still not super interested in going to group but we’ll feel it out. I’m looking forward to what I believe is complaint group called processing, where people get heated. I want to go to THAT. I’m still stumbling like a drunk and almost fell over just about every time I get up. Bumping into walls and stuff.

I’m going to spend time crocheting and listening to music and thinking about my friends. I want to cut my hair, probably bangs but I can’t stop thinking about a shag mullet.

I’m writing a list of things I want to do once I’m out and hopefully healthy again. I want to join a yoga studio. 

I drew a venn diagram comparing the equally incompetent nurse practitioners we saw.

Day 5

I didn’t sleep. We stopped playing cards at 11:30 and I wrote a list of things I need to do. I should publish this. 

Day 714

I haven't read these journals since I was discharged. I look back on these pages with compassion, knowing how deeply I was hurting. Rediscovering myself and my passions. Sobriety allowed me to step so far out of my comfort zone that nothing was unattainable. Unintentionally, these pages were filled with predictions and manifestations for myself and my silly sober life.

Not only did I embrace a purple shag mullet, but I also fully buzzed my head. I continue to fill my time with crafts, good conversation, silly games, and experiences that make me feel most human. I did ultimately make the switch from vegan to vegetarian, and the kitchen boys at work relentlessly tease me about it. I am still constantly writing lists to get my thoughts together. I haven't joined a yoga studio yet but I did do clown yoga! I wish I could sit on my bed in rehab with my younger self and tell her all of the beautiful and amazing memories she's made since getting help.

xoxo

Ken and Whisk