The Rehab Diaries pt 4

Day 25

One more Saturday left. No more Fridays. So close. I’m so ready. The techs are all still frustrated about the food thing but all I can focus on is the light at the end of the tunnel.

One night, they said they would order a vegan pizza for me and this is what showed up. Not a single vegetable in sight. Just sauce baked into bread. And there were TWO OF THEM!

Day 26

The sun finally came out and we sunbathed all day. I am so red.

Day 27

Not even going to bother finishing yesterday’s page. I slept till noon again, and went to bed early last night. We played games in group and I won a $10 Starbucks gift card. Cool? Not what I expected for rehab. One was an icebreaker, get to know you game. And then we played bingo. Now we have group about sex and love addiction. We’re so close to the end here.

I’m still tempted for alcohol but I’m also wanting to get help with therapy. I talked to my therapist about why I was so tired all the time. She said there’s definitely an underlying issue, and you can’t treat the symptoms until you know what that is. I’m sad and sleepy and we don’t know why and I don’t know what to do about it.

Day 28

Tonight was so fun and encouraging. We planned a movie night and had a full room and watched Antebellum. Literally everyone came to spend time together. The cinematography is stunning. Everyone really enjoyed watching the movie together and it gave me the warm fuzzies.

Day 29

I worked on a puzzle for a while. I was sitting on feelings of being afraid of going back out and lots of questions like when I do go back to work or even just how. I was thinking about how I need to feel the full spectrum of emotions again and that it is okay to do that. Not much else is going on here. Okay, that’s a lie. More AA drama. AA is making my chest heavy. It just gives me weird vibes. Someone said this isn’t like a typical cult… I mean AA meeting. Not sure if I believe that or if I’m even willing to try again. But at least I can check this off my sober bucket list.

(I do also want to say that I don't think there is anything wrong with AA. I did not personally connect with it. That being said, I do not feel sobriety is sustainable without a supportive community. Ironically, I feel as though I find sober people everywhere I look. I feel grateful that life has given me a sober community, despite never having gone to any meetings. Although one time, I did sit in my car and listen to a podcast outside a smart recovery meeting because I was too scared to go in. But that's a story for another day.)

Day 30

We charged my coin today and it was so emotional what the heck. We watched Marvel movies all night.

Day 31

Everything is ending.

Day 764, going on forever

Nothing was ending, my life was only just beginning :')

This is actually my first time reading all of this since it was written two years ago. I laughed at "underlying issues" being the undiagnosed neurodivergency and treatment resistant depression. My recovery has been a long song and dance of trying to find doctors that I connect with and who listen to me. I don't think I will ever forget how validating it felt being diagnosed with treatment resistant depression. Or when my neurodivergent therapist taught me what unmasking is.

The first year of recovery is no joke. I cried a lot. I experienced so many big life changes. I slipped up. Everything felt like it was being turned upside down, when in reality, it was simply being restored right side up. My time in rehab allowed me the space to get sober. My sobriety allowed me the clarity to learn about my mental health.

Part of me has delayed posting this, the other part has simply been busy living. Here's to more game nights, belly laughs, live music, and yummy food.

ken and whisk