The Rehab Diaries pt 3

Day 17

We played Cards Against Humanity in group today and watched Inside Out. They’ve planned a beach clean up day for us, but it’s raining so it’s postponed. (We never went on this beach day trip, but they did make us t-shirts for it). We get to go bowling tomorrow night. I need to work on writing out my life story and relapse prevention plan. The techs and I were talking about how they were scared to put my roomie in my room because they thought she was more of an “ah.” I assume they mean more out there and in your face than me but they were so happy to hear that it was a good match.

I might go have a good cry after this movie. We are all watching Iron Man because apparently I’m the only person in the world who hasn’t seen it. I miss Austin and vegan food. I was talking to the techs and the driver and told them they did not get paid enough for the work that they do and the stuff they deal with. They said they loved their jobs because it helps keep them sober. We watched Rocketman and This Is The End. We had fire alarms going off all night because of a leak from like 11pm-3am.

Day 18

We watched a bad movie in morning group. I left before it even started. Sat in the sun and chatted with people instead. Afternoon group was meant to be about cravings, but instead we were all forced to rehash where and when we used. No one showed up for that therapist’s next group.

We went bowling and I didn’t have the best time. I don’t particularly want to be writing right now but I want these thoughts to be fresh. It was hard. We were right next to the bar. Even though we don’t have our phones, ID’s, or money, I knew I could find a way, We played two games and the arcade games were lame. I got overwhelmed. I wasn’t the only one. They didn’t prepare us to go from weeks in here to such a crowded place so fast, especially when there was no escape or resources to help us process. I got back and we were going to watch a scary movie but I needed me time.

Day 19

It was a slow morning, pretty chill. Lost my shit because I couldn’t eat dinner last night or breakfast or lunch. It’s such an ongoing issue. More drama.

Day 20

I skipped groups all day because I was so tired and needed some me time. I need to figure out how to let go of what I can’t control. I changed my sheets and watched The Circle season 2 all day, did some crochet, took a nap. Got to do some logistical stuff for school. I still feel very melancholic. There was fettuccine alfredo for dinner and no vegan options, so I chanced it.

Mom just called me to tell me Grandma passed away. It’s unsurprising but I feel numb/ I want to cry it out/ not sure. We’ve seen it coming. I guess it’s a good thing I’m in rehab right now. I would be drinking otherwise. I was just thinking today about how badly I craved it. Like thinking about downing some liquor and thinking, for whatever reason that I would enjoy the taste of it. I’m so surprised that mom was able to get there for her final moments, That’s incredible. I honestly just don’t know what to feel about it. Or even who to talk to here. I don’t want this to become more gossip. Everyone’s going to be asking me what’s wrong anyway because of my face, so I guess I have to prepare for that.

I’m so tired of being alone with my thoughts.

Day 21

My parents are going to pick me up for dinner tonight. I’m nervous, but I get to leave here so that’s nice. I’m trying to think if there’s anything I need from the store.

Day 22

Yoga this morning was rough. I’m so out of shape. Jeez. We’re charging the coins of two people who have had such a positive impact on my time here. Got to be super productive during lunch break and then everyone thought group was canceled because no one showed up. I met with my therapist and that was really good. Finished a beanie today!

Day 23

Today is big sad. Two of my friends left today. I really have nothing better to do than go to group I guess. This sucks. I don’t know if I’m ready to leave or or feel not ready. This is all happening so fast. It feels like everything is spinning.

Day 24

Two girls are leaving today. Another girl was going to leave this morning, but decided on tonight instead. It’s sad here. Part of me wants to leave now too. A woman mentioned that she used to live in Ohio and it made me think of how much I miss Al. Last night was so precious. We ordered Indian food and watched War Dogs and it just felt like we weren’t here for a moment.

I started losing momentum as I transcribed these journals, as I revisited memories previously forgotten. The good nights were filled with pure uninhibited connection. The bad moments feel almost indescribable.

I think about this roomie a lot. We only lived together for about a week. Whiskey would snuggle in her bed with her and we were always watching Criminal Minds and horror movies. When I was learning to crochet the magic circle, she cursed it out with me. Our rehab friend group went camping about a month after we all got out and she brought everyone journals and gifts. She passed away shortly after. I think she was the first person I met to pass away due to addiction and I just don't think you ever forget that. Her drug of choice was crack, but that's the least important detail about her. She was in her twenties. She had the biggest heart and absolutely loved connecting with people. She was smart and savvy. She was funny and outspoken. Who was that person to you?

About a year into my recovery, I learned that most overdoses occur during a relapse because the person's tolerance is not what it once was.